It was late. It was dark. I couldn’t sleep if I had tried.  The sound of the water sloshing under the dock was soothing. The noises of counselors making their way to their cabins were drowned by the symphony in my headphones. My tears fell hard on my face… It was one of those nasty body shaking cries. You know the ones you don’t want anyone to see… I knew it would be one of my last nights in a place I loved. In the place where I served, where I sweat, where I lost my breath, where I got chronic poison ivy, where I loved people, and where my life was changed. Some how I knew that the time I had there was over. I wasn’t so grieved about leaving, but more grieved by what would be absent in my life when I left. I don’t really fall in love with places as much as I do adventures; and this one would be over sooner than I liked. I remember clearly laying on that uneven dock and praying that there would be another time in my life where minstry and the rest of my life collided like that. Where I felt like I lived to serve and grow. A place where I didnt feel limited in what I could do or how I served based on my personality, my background, or my gender.  The rest of my world wasn’t at all like that, never so free. I was 20. It was August. I was afraid I would lose myself or my passion. I wanted that freedom in ministry and in life again. My prayer was that He would hold that passion even through times where I was blocked, where I was dry, where there was no flesh on my bones. And that He would revive it again one day. That I wouldn’t loose who He made me to be in the process I was 20. It was August.

It was freezing outside. The snow didn’t seem to bother me. I was too distracted. I sat alone staring at the Mississippi River below me watching snow quietly hit the train tracks. I had already cried too much that day, so no tears were coming. I don’t think they would have any way, I was pretty resolute about the situation and my thoughts. My heart had opened and I wanted to include someone else. Someone very different from me. Someone even then I loved with all my heart. The wrestle, the struggle, wasn’t him; it was the world we thought we were called to. Long conversations of the Lord, of His people, of ministry left me hurting and questioning… What on earth are we really here for? Nothing formed seemed to fit. In the long run whether we would be a we or not wasnt the focus of these prayers. The focus was for God to take the humble quiet farm boy and give him the best fitting ministry. For his heart not to get discouraged when he doesn’t fit the mold. For his spirit not to be crushed in times of waiting…. For some reason the vision he had and the insight God gave me didn’t seem to fit in traditional modes of ministry. I didn’t want Andy to come up dry, fizzled, or changed for the worst in the pursuit of the ministry God called him to. I prayed for that non-traditional ministry where he could do living discipleship, where he could serve people confidently… Where his personality, temperment, and skills would be the biggest benefit. I was 20. It was December. The world, even more so the Church world, wasn’t making sense and I didn’t want to see a man destroyed when God had fashioned him in a wonderfully unique way. I was 20. It was December.

Living differently means we recognize that God has a purpose for each of us. Living differently means that even when it doesn’t seem possible we need to trust that God’s hand is working for His purpose. Our reaction in times of waiting has to be fervent trust and continued prayer.

Looking at the lives of others and pages from the Word, I can’t help but realize several things abot God. God doesn’t work the same in everyone, He has no cookie cutter methods. God keeps every promise He makes and doesn’t give people vision for it die. God’s timing and method don’t match ours. In all of this God’s reason is always two fold; to bring Him glory and to shape our character. Looking just at Abraham who left everything for God to make him into a great nation. What??? Moving away for all you know = crazy… Family growth in old age= unheard of… A nation from one son=not likely… None of what was to come was expected, but God worked in huge ways. Examples in just this one life go on and on and on. Trust is key. Prayer is essential.

Tweleve years ago there was no way I would have thought God would have brought me on the journey He did. The things I thought were so crushing tweleve years ago have changed. Some have lightend and went away; others have gotten much heavier. But I knew in those moments that I had to reach out to my Faithful God to breathe, to feel better, and eventually survive.

It was pouring rain and I was drenched. I tried hard not to slip on the cobble stone as I ran, flip flops in hand, to the car. Earlier that day I had prayed that God would grow my heart in the area of servanthood through a ministry I was part of. I had just left a meeting where my heart was racing over what was to come that year and where I would be stretched. Andy had already started that stretching process, he told me just weeks before he knew God would move us before spring. Now? really?? I was pregnant with our second child, we had a house that needed major repair, all prospects of ministry jobs were shut and Andy wasn’t even looking at that point. We had just come out of one of the dryest periods of our lives and we were starting to thrive. I didn’t see that coming but I was open to it. As I was ringing water out of my shirt the phone rang. The conversation that followed was completely a God moment. There was no question even then that God hadn’t stopped moving. Something we had prayed about and were sure of over nine months before closed to us and here it was opening again. In one short conversation it was like God opened flood gates and my world was rocked. I drove the rest of the way home in the rain with tears in my eyes and shouts of praise from my lips. This was the beginning of something beautiful. For some reason even if the opening didn’t work, I felt that God was using it to bring that freshness in…. To keep those passions I had prayed about over and over years ago alive. That something from those prayers was about to be reignited. I was 32. It was August.

I am 33. It is February. In two days we begin to walk through a new journey. In two days we move to beautiful little camp in Iowa. My prayers from years before have been ignited and flamed. We found that non-traditional ministry. We have had some limitations we have felt in the past lifted. We feel like God has given us a place that our passions and drives can grow as we let Him work. We are over the moon about this move.

A pastor friend of mine always says “If you are suckin air, God has a plan for you.” This statement is incredibly true. Even when we feel like we have been through too much, that our dreams a shot to bits, or that we just aren’t good enough, God still has a purpose and wants to use us. This story is not one I share to brag or boast… This story is one I share as a reminder that God really does want to work through us, that God knows the hearts and passions of his people, and God is trust worthy. He is that good father we hear about. I tell you this story so you are encouraged not to stop praying when difficulty seems to drag on, when there seems to be no answer, or there seems to be no solution for what youre facing. I tell this story so you know God hears us, He works in His time and His way, and He is faithful to His people.

Living differently means we recognize that God has a purpose for each of us. Living differently means that even when it doesn’t seem possible we need to trust that God’s hand is working for His purpose. Our reaction in times of waiting has to be fervent trust and continued prayer.